It’s OK That You’re Not OK: Meeting Grief and Loss in a Culture That Doesn’t Understand

In It’s OK That You’re Not OK, psychotherapist and grief advocate Megan Devine offers a groundbreaking approach to grief and loss. Drawing from her own experience of tragic loss and her professional expertise, Devine challenges conventional wisdom about grief and provides practical support for those navigating the aftermath of loss.

Introduction: Challenging Cultural Myths About Grief

Devine begins by addressing the ways in which our culture misunderstands and mishandles grief. She argues that the dominant cultural narrative about grief—that it should be “fixed,” “moved through,” or “gotten over”—is not only unhelpful but actively harmful to those who are grieving.

Drawing from her own experience of losing her husband to drowning, Devine shares how the well-meaning but misguided advice she received often made her feel more isolated and misunderstood. This personal experience becomes the foundation for her critique of conventional approaches to grief support.

Part 1: Understanding Grief Differently

The Myth of the Grief Timeline

Devine challenges the idea that grief follows a predictable timeline or stages. She explains that grief is not a linear process that people “move through” but a natural response to loss that ebbs and flows over time.

She discusses how the expectation that people should “get over” their grief within a certain timeframe can lead to shame and isolation for those whose grief doesn’t fit the expected pattern.

Grief as a Normal Response

Rather than viewing grief as a problem to be solved, Devine emphasizes that grief is a normal and necessary response to loss. She argues that our culture’s approach to grief often pathologizes a natural human experience.

She explains that grief serves important functions:

• It honors the significance of what has been lost
• It allows people to process their emotions
• It helps integrate the loss into one’s life story
• It connects people to the shared human experience of loss

The Pressure to “Find Meaning”

Devine critiques the cultural pressure on grieving people to “find meaning” in their loss quickly. She argues that this pressure can be harmful, suggesting that people who cannot find immediate meaning are somehow failing at grief.

She emphasizes that finding meaning in loss is a personal journey that cannot be rushed and that the pressure to do so can compound the pain of grief.

Part 2: What Grief Actually Is

The Physical Reality of Grief

Devine explains that grief is not just an emotional experience but also a physical one. She discusses how grief affects the body:

• Sleep disturbances and fatigue
• Changes in appetite and digestion
• Physical pain and tension
• Altered immune function

She emphasizes that these physical symptoms are normal responses to loss, not signs of weakness or illness.

The Cognitive Impact of Grief

The book addresses how grief affects thinking and cognitive function:

• Difficulty concentrating and making decisions
• Memory problems and confusion
• Intrusive thoughts about the loss
• Changes in perception of time and reality

Devine explains that these cognitive impacts are normal and temporary aspects of grief, not signs of mental illness.

The Social Dimensions of Grief

Devine explores how grief affects relationships and social connections:

• The experience of feeling “different” from others
• The challenge of maintaining relationships while grieving
• The impact of loss on one’s sense of identity and role in the world
• The need for social support and understanding

Part 3: The Harm of “Helpful” Advice

Common Missteps in Grief Support

Devine identifies common ways that well-meaning people inadvertently harm those who are grieving:

• Offering unsolicited advice about how to “feel better”
• Comparing losses (“at least…”)
• Pressuring people to “move on”
• Minimizing the significance of the loss
• Focusing on the person who died rather than the person who is grieving

She explains how these approaches, while often intended to be helpful, can make grieving people feel more isolated and misunderstood.

The Problem with “Positivity”

Devine critiques the cultural emphasis on “staying positive” or “looking on the bright side” when someone is grieving. She argues that this pressure can lead people to suppress their authentic emotions and feel like they’re failing at grief if they can’t maintain a positive attitude.

She emphasizes that all emotions—including sadness, anger, and despair—are valid and necessary parts of the grief process.

Spiritual and Religious Pressure

The book addresses how religious and spiritual communities sometimes inadvertently harm grieving people:

• Pressure to see loss as “God’s will”
• Expectations to “have faith” or “trust the plan”
• Suggestions that grief indicates lack of faith
• Focus on “heaven” or “reunion” that may not be comforting

Devine acknowledges that spiritual beliefs can be helpful for some people but emphasizes that they should never be imposed on grieving individuals.

Part 4: Better Ways to Support Grief

The Power of Presence

Devine emphasizes that the most helpful thing people can do for those who are grieving is simply be present with them. This means:

• Listening without trying to “fix” anything
• Sitting with discomfort rather than rushing to provide comfort
• Offering practical support without expecting gratitude
• Being patient with the unpredictable nature of grief

She explains that presence is more valuable than any specific action or words.

What to Say and What Not to Say

The book provides practical guidance on communication with grieving people:

• What NOT to say:

  • “At least…”
  • “They’re in a better place”
  • “Time heals all wounds”
  • “You’ll get over it”
  • “They wouldn’t want you to be sad”

• What IS helpful to say:

  • “I’m sorry for your loss”
  • “This must be so hard”
  • “I’m here for you”
  • “Tell me about [the person who died]”
  • “I don’t know what to say, but I want you to know I care”

Practical Support

Devine offers specific suggestions for practical support:

• Help with daily tasks (cooking, cleaning, childcare)
• Remembering important dates (anniversaries, birthdays)
• Checking in regularly without expecting specific responses
• Offering specific help rather than general offers
• Continuing support long after the initial period of mourning

Part 5: Supporting Yourself Through Grief

Self-Compassion

Devine emphasizes the importance of self-compassion for those who are grieving:

• Allowing yourself to feel all emotions without judgment
• Recognizing that grief affects everyone differently
• Being patient with your own process
• Treating yourself with the same kindness you would offer a friend

She explains that self-compassion is not self-indulgence but a necessary part of healing.

Setting Boundaries

The book discusses the importance of setting boundaries while grieving:

• Protecting your energy and emotional resources
• Limiting exposure to triggering situations when possible
• Communicating your needs to others
• Saying no to activities or commitments that feel overwhelming

Devine emphasizes that setting boundaries is not selfish but necessary for self-care.

Finding Community

Devine highlights the importance of finding supportive communities:

• Connecting with others who have experienced similar losses
• Seeking out grief support groups
• Building relationships with people who understand grief
• Creating space for grief in your social circles

She notes that finding understanding community can be challenging but is crucial for healing.

Part 6: Professional Support

When to Seek Professional Help

Devine discusses when professional support might be helpful:

• When grief feels overwhelming or unmanageable
• When there are thoughts of self-harm or suicide
• When grief significantly interferes with daily functioning
• When there’s a need for specialized support (trauma, complicated grief)

She emphasizes that seeking professional help is a sign of strength, not weakness.

What to Look for in a Grief Counselor

The book provides guidance on finding appropriate professional support:

• Therapists who specialize in grief and trauma
• Professionals who validate rather than pathologize grief
• Practitioners who understand that grief is not a problem to be solved
• Providers who offer陪伴 rather than “fixing”

Advocating for Yourself

Devine encourages people to advocate for themselves in professional settings:

• Being clear about what kind of support you need
• Speaking up if approaches don’t feel helpful
• Seeking second opinions when necessary
• Remembering that you know your own experience best

Part 7: The Long-Term Journey

Living with Loss

Devine discusses what it means to live with loss over the long term:

• How grief changes over time without disappearing
• The ongoing nature of relationship with what has been lost
• Finding ways to honor and remember what has been lost
• Integrating loss into one’s identity and life story

She emphasizes that living with loss is not about “getting over” it but about learning to carry it in a way that allows for continued growth and connection.

Creating New Normal

The book addresses how people create new normal after loss:

• Rebuilding identity and purpose
• Developing new routines and traditions
• Finding meaning and direction in changed circumstances
• Maintaining connection to what has been lost while moving forward

Devine explains that this process is not about replacing what has been lost but about building a life that includes the reality of loss.

Supporting Others in Their Grief

Devine discusses how those who have experienced grief can support others:

• Offering validation based on shared experience
• Being present without trying to “fix”
• Sharing resources and community connections
• Advocating for better grief support in institutions and communities

Part 8: Cultural Change

Rethinking Grief Support

Devine calls for broader cultural changes in how we approach grief:

• Moving away from “fixing” models to support models
• Creating more grief-literate communities
• Changing institutional approaches to loss
• Developing better policies around bereavement and support

She emphasizes that grief is not just an individual experience but a social one that requires community response.

The Role of Institutions

The book addresses how institutions can better support those who are grieving:

• Healthcare systems that understand grief as normal
• Workplaces with better bereavement policies
• Educational institutions that support grieving students
• Community organizations that offer ongoing support

Building Grief-Literate Communities

Devine discusses what it would look like to build communities that truly understand and support grief:

• Normalizing conversations about loss and grief
• Creating spaces where grief can be expressed without judgment
• Developing ongoing support systems rather than crisis-only responses
• Training community members to offer better support

Key Principles

1. Grief is Normal

Devine’s central message is that grief is a normal and necessary response to loss, not a problem to be solved.

2. Validation is More Important Than Solutions

She emphasizes that validating someone’s grief experience is more helpful than trying to offer solutions or “fix” their pain.

3. Presence Matters More Than Perfection

Devine argues that simply being present with someone who is grieving is more valuable than trying to say or do the “right” thing.

4. Grief is Not Linear

She challenges the idea that grief follows predictable stages or timelines, emphasizing its individual and unpredictable nature.

5. Support is a Community Responsibility

Devine views supporting those who are grieving as a community responsibility rather than an individual burden.

Addressing Criticisms

Professional Perspectives

Devine acknowledges that her approach may challenge some traditional therapeutic models. She addresses concerns from mental health professionals about:

• The distinction between normal grief and clinical depression
• The role of professional intervention in grief support
• Integration of her approach with established therapeutic practices

Cultural and Religious Considerations

She recognizes that different cultural and religious contexts may require different approaches to grief support while maintaining her core principles about validation and presence.

Practical Resources

The “How to Help a Grieving Friend” Cards

Devine discusses her popular card series that offers practical, actionable advice for supporting friends who are grieving.

Online Resources

She provides information about online communities and resources for grief support.

Professional Training

Devine discusses training opportunities for mental health professionals who want to learn her approach.

Conclusion: Embracing the Full Spectrum of Human Experience

In her conclusion, Devine emphasizes that grief is part of the full spectrum of human experience. She argues that learning to support grief better makes us more human, more compassionate, and more connected to one another.

She reminds readers that it’s not just okay to not be okay—it’s normal, necessary, and human. The goal is not to eliminate grief but to create a world where grief can be met with understanding, support, and compassion.

Devine concludes with a call to action, encouraging readers to:

• Practice better grief support in their own lives
• Advocate for cultural and institutional changes
• Continue learning about and supporting grief
• Remember that grief is not a failure but a testament to love

Impact and Legacy

It’s OK That You’re Not OK has become a seminal work in grief support, helping countless people understand and navigate their experiences with loss. Devine’s approach has influenced how mental health professionals, communities, and individuals approach grief support.

The book’s impact extends beyond individual healing to broader cultural conversations about death, loss, and support. It has contributed to growing awareness that our culture’s approach to grief often does more harm than good and has inspired efforts to create more supportive communities for those experiencing loss.

Through this work, Devine has helped shift the conversation about grief from one focused on “fixing” or “moving through” pain to one centered on validation, support, and accompaniment. Her approach has empowered both those who are grieving and those who want to support them, offering a more compassionate and effective model for meeting grief and loss.